The memoir of an 80 yr old woman

Today i celebrated my 80th birthday, i felt really out of place with all those speeches, the smiles that lit up people's faces as they glanced at me, the beautifully decorated hall and everything was just wonderful. While people talked about me, i couldn't help but wonder if we were gathered to celebrate someone else or it was just me. It was really an awesome day for everyone gathered here apart from me. I had to wear that charming smile so my husband, children and grand children wouldn't notice. I felt like i was living another person's dream, it was just not me. That wasn't the first time I'd have that sort of emptiness wash over me, it happened before, some six years before today when i was being conferred with the award of the Member of the Order of the Niger (MON). All my friends were there, they were so happy for me. If it were possible i could have transferred the award to a more deserving person.For you to understand why i feel this way, i will take you back in time.
I had a very ordinary childhood, went to Pre-creche, Nursery, Primary school within the neighbourhood. As a child, i was rather shy and quiet, i only spoke when it was necessary, and i always did it carefully and quietly so most times i talked, anyone would have to ask about two or three times before they really heard me. The confidence just wasn't there and i got really frustrated when anyone had to ask me to repeat what i had said. I missed a lot of opportunities because the world called for a bold and outstanding personality which i don't have to tell you i did not have. The reason i wasn't confident owes largely to the kind of home i grew up in, my siblings and i were only heard when we were asked something and no "unnecessary discussions" were to be engaged in. We were supposed to keep quiet at all times because our parents made it clear that people did not have time for "stupid talks from kids". Somewhere along the line, i got bitter and decided that i was going to show everyone that i could achieve everything they thought i wouldn't.
I devoted my time to acquiring various degrees, i was always in the spotlight, everyone wanted me to speak at every seminar or workshop and to the "unseeing eyes" i was great. I can't even remember the last time i felt emotional, i lived life as though i were a robot, the people i could call friends are mainly those that were on my research groups. The evening my husband proposed to me was unnecessarily long because i was just there in this restaurant and He was telling me all these things that i can't even remember about desiring to spend the rest of His life with me, since i checked all the options and decided i wanted to have children, i said yes so the evening could at least come to an end and I'll get on with my life. I felt so useless those hours and when he finally slipped the ring on my finger, i remember saying "alright now, let's get out of here, i have somethings to work on" i guess he thought everything would work out once i started having children but it wasn't so at all.
After we got married, i got several maid and about every job in the house had its own maid. My husband just could not understand why i wouldn't "slow down". I guess somewhere along the line, i got obsessed with the desire for greatness. I retired some years back and i can't take it all back, i missed out on my children's growing up years and now that i seem to have all the time on my hands, i can't do anything because they are all married and now have their own children. I can't say that I'm truly fulfilled and that's why i had to sneak in here to write this. My advice for all you young ones, don't let anyone take away anytime of your life, do what you're meant to do, as a child, be all that you're meant to be, don't miss out on your teenage years and enjoy your youthful years. It's a good thing to want to achieve greatness but don't sacrifice your life or that of others all in a bid to be great because great people build lives and not tear them apart.
The real indicator of greatness is attaining success in every area and not allowing some to blossom at the expense of others, because you're meant to enjoy greatness and not regret it, so do not sacrifice your happiness just to prove to others that you can achieve something they think you can't. Do it for your own fulfillment not to spite others. Do it right and celebrate yourself just as much as others celebrate you, in fact celebrate yourself than others would. SHALOM